How Many Have You Loved Before Me?

In honor of Valentine's Day:

Every once in a while, a commercial comes along for something you completely don’t need/don’t want/don’t care about, but still ingrains itself in your mind for a much longer period of time than you ever cared to possibly think about the product. In my case, this most often happens with movie trailers. For the longest time now, my friend Jeff and I have been kicking around ideas to better a particular movie trailer commercial that has haunted our dreams and made our lives worth living.


Of course, I’m talking about Tristan and Isolde.

Tristan and Isolde is supposed to be a story about Romeo and Juliet…before there was a Romeo and Juliet. At least that’s the impression I got from one of their movie trailers. It stars James Franco (of Spider-man fame) and Sophia Myles (of Underworld fame). For those who may actually care about the movie, I’m told by a sometimes reliable source that the movie actually isn’t “Tear Your Eyes Out and Eat Them with Rooster’s Hot Sauce” horrible. What the movie is about or how good it is isn’t the main part of this blarticle. (Get it? Blog and Article? Articog? Blogticle?) This blarticle is about a particular set of lines from the movie, which are highlighted in the end of the movie trailer:

Isolde: How many have you loved before me?
Tristan: None.
Isolde: And how many will you love after me?
Tristan: None

Sounds sweet right? Well…the esteemed Mr. Sumerix and I have come up with some alternatives that we think might have made a better movie, and thus, a better commercial success.

Be warned, there is language used that shouldn’t be viewed by those of us under the age of 13. ^_^
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Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "OW! That's my ass."
Tristan: "So?”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "Ovary Punch!"
Isolde: "OW! Right in the baby-maker."

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "OW! Be careful, it’s my first time."
Tristan: "Bleed Baby Bleed.”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None"
T&I Producers: “The commercial tagline for our movie is going to be: BEFORE ROMEO & JULIET; THERE WAS TRISTAN & ISOLDE”
James Franco: “But shoehorning the movie into that general paradigm will make it seem trite and pointlessly derivative.”
T&I Producers: “So?”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me? HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Tristan: "None. HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me? HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Tristan: "None. HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Isolde: “OH!! It feels like my insides are on fire! HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Tristan: “I don’t want to, I don’t want t-HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Isolde: “Tristan, hold my hair! HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Tristan: “Quick, call 911! HWUUUUUUUGH!!!"
Isolde: “Okay, okay. . . .I think it’s done . . . HWUUUUUUUGH!!!”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "Whoa lady, slow down! I don’t even know you. We just met.”
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "Someone help! This whacko beotch if freaking daffy.”
[A shadowy figure appears behind Isolde and gives her a swift boot to the head]
[The shadowy figure steps into the light; revealing himself]
Tristan: "Thank You, Chuck Norris.”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None"
[Audience is emotionally touched. There is dead silence in the theatre]
Jeff (with beer): “Show us your SNOOBS!!!”

Isolde: “I’ll sleep with you if you can recite that entire ‘Gozer the Traveler’ line that Rick Moranis gives in Ghostbusters.”
Tristan: “Gozer the Traveler will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the Rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveler came as a very large and moving Torb! Then, of course, during the Third Rectification of the last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him; that of a Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to roast in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!”
Isolde: “Oh shit. . . I didn’t think you could actually do it. Ummmm, I actually don’t want to sleep with you.”
Tristan: “Too bad.” [Unzip] [Blat] [Blat] [Blat] [Blat] [Blat] . . . . . .

[Tristan & Isolde are having a romantic dinner]
Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None"
[Brandon Lee comes crashing through a window and lands on the table]
Brandon Lee: “I just dropped in to say; Bon Appetit!” [runs off]
Isolde: “That guy is on a ‘Laser Mission’.”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Christopher Lambert: “Only One.”
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Christopher Lambert: "In the End there can be only One.”
Isolde: “I don’t understand.”
Christopher Lambert: “. . . . . .” [CHOP]

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Admiral James T. Kirk: "KHAAAAAN!!!"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Admiral James T. Kirk: "KHAAAAAAN!!!"

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "No-strings-attached sex?"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "No-strings-attached, kinky sex?"
Isolde: ". . .”
Tristan: "No-strings-attached, kinky, drunken sex?"
Isolde: ". . .”
Tristan: "No-strings-attached, kinky, drunken, high sex?"
Isolde: ". . .”
Tristan: "No-strings-attached, kinky, drunken, high sex where there are goats?"
Isolde: ". . . . . . fine”
Tristan: “Rock on.”
Goats: “Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a.”

Tristan: ". . . then I’ll have to go out on Tauntaun.”
Tauntaun: “NYOCKUM, NYOCKUM, NYOCKUM.”
Isolde: "But Tristan; my love. You’re Tauntaun will freeze before you reach the second marker.”
Tristan: “Then I’ll see you in Hell!”
Tauntaun: “NYOCKUM??”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!!!”
Isolde: “I can’t believe you. First, you tell me you love the Juggernaut and then on top of that you call me a ‘bitch’.”
Tristan: “No, look behind you. IT’S THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!!!”
Isolde: “OH SHIT! IT IS THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!!!”
Juggernaut: “YEEEAAAHHH, IT’S THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!!!”
Tristan: “What could make this moment anymore insane than is already is?”
Captain Caveman: “CAPTAIN CAAAAVE MA-A-A-A-A-A-A-N!!!!!!”
Tristan: “. . .”
Isolde: “. . .”
Juggernaut: “. . .”
Captain Caveman: “. . .”
Tristan: “I had to ask.”
Captain Caveman: “. . . I wonder what the fuck is on TV tonight.”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Brad Wesley: "In here I keep a list of all the women I’ve had. It’s my trophy room."
Isolde: "How many will you love after me?"
Brad Wesley: "The only thing missing . . . is your ass."
Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None; if we make a deal. Kill Spiderman. No. Bring him to me . . . alive.”
Isolde: "How do I find him?”
Tristan: ". . . Peter Parker; he’s always taking pictures of Spiderman."
[Isolde skulks away on her giant bionic arms]
Tristan: "Hey, don’t hurt Peter!”
[Tristan sinks back into his chair with a glass of Scotch]
Tristan: ". . . Parker . . . . . . douche-bag.”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "My son, daughter, and wife; they lived in Hiroshima.”
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "None. I stop now.”
Isolde: "Teach me. I can do it.”
Tristan: "Why?”
Isolde: "To love you, Shidoshi-Tristan . . . . . UUUUAAAAAHHH!”
Tristan: "You are teached; MWU HU HA HA!”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "Love? I picked you up for a 5$ No Holla Hummer!"
Isolde: "and How many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "Oh Gawd! Mom?"

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "Hey, did you know I played James Dean once?"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?"
Tristan: "I bet James Dean could do better then you Beeeyatch!”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "Huh? Lady, who are you talking too?"
Isolde: "Mmmmm, yeah, that's the stuff."
Tristan: "What is that? Aw, awwwwww! It sounds like a vacuum cleaner..."


Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "Well, there was this one guy, he saved my life when I was a child, and then brought me up to think performing oral sex on him was great which was funny because boys aren't supposed to perform oral sex on other boys at least that's what the church is supposed to teach us except that the church has more boy oral sex on boys than the regular world, anyway, he saved me and I was his love slave until I went to war for him and got hurt and then I somehow ended up here, and I thought your brother was hot but for some reason you seem to think I like you which is weird because"
Isolde: "SHUT UP, GODDAMNIT SHUT THE HELL UP. SHUT UP. YOU SEE ME? ...... YOU SEE WHAT I'M DOING? ...... I'M SHUTTING THE HELL UP! TAKE A LESSON!"

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "Who wants a mustache Ride?"
Isolde: "I do! I do!"
Tristan: "Then get ready for the OH DAMN DONKEY PUNCH!"

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "And how many will you love after me?:
Tristan: "Ride now, fly fly, ride for the lightning, and the pheces, and the Ring. One Ring to rule them all"
Isolde: "Yes, yes, and in the darkness bind them. Has anyone NOT seen that movie?”

Isolde: "How many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None, wait, one, no wait.......seven!"
Isolde: "7? You slut!"
Tristan: "Yeah, 7, there was jake, and heath, and Jason Priestly, gosh he was dreamy..."
Isolde: "For Christ's sakes!"


Isolde: "How Many have you loved before me?"
Tristan: "None"
Isolde: "After we do your job, we're gonna do another job."
Tristan: "Tell me about it."
Isolde: "Like I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your fuckin' forehead, and I'm gonna fuck the brain hole!"

"How many have you loved before me?" - Isolde
"None" - Tristan
"And how many men will you love after me?" - Isolde
"Um...wait...Men? How'd you know I was gay?" – Tristan


Ok, that’s all. Feel free to put up your own in the comments section.

Over the weekend, I’ve got a couple of movie reviews to get up: Music and Lyrics (short form; go see it with a chick you like...especially if you like 80's music), and then Ghost Rider (which I’m sure will be an artistic achievement in itself). Also, keep an eye out Monday for my NBA Trading Deadline blarticle with trades focused on the greatest basketball team of all time: the Detroit Pistons.

Have a great Presidents day y’all!